How can a woman explore new relationships with men without any strings attached?

Question: How can a woman explore new relationships with men without any strings attached?  How
do you keep your focus while in the midst of enjoying a good time?  Is there something wrong with going to a movie with a guy, grabbing a quick bite with another or having another help out with the things you can’t do or don't want to do for yourself like shoveling the snow, cutting the grass or changing the light bulb?  I guess for me as a single woman there is always the stigma of looking like a loose woman when you have male companionship. 

Answer: This is a tough one.  When I was single it was difficult to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that I was attracted to.  It can be done but usually at some point, if there is an attraction there, somebody is going to want to become more than just friends. (I could not be friends with Maxwell. Nope, couldn’t do it!)  I’ve said this before in my Pearls of Wisdom that sex complicates things.  If you really want to just be friends and just hang out, go to dinner, go places, and maybe have a helping hand, it is important to keep sex (or any type of other physical intimacy) out of the equation.  If you really just want to have a few friends, be just that, friends.  Keep yourself out of situations that blur the lines.  For instance, you can’t be just friends and invite him over for dinner, dressed extra cute and super sexy, and then think you are going to cuddle on the couch/bed and watch a movie.  YEA RIGHT!  Maybe there are some women and men who can do that but, that was not my ministry (if it is someone I was attracted to)!  I would have to put him out the house before the previews were over (LOL)!  So, I tried to stay clear of those situations.  I had a male friend in college who was kind of cute and a very nice guy.  We never really went out or anything but he would always flirt with me.  It was flattering but I knew he messed around with a lot of women.  We ended up becoming good friends.  I could call him for anything.  I never crossed the line with him though.  I never put myself in the position for things to go further.  But it is important to know your limits.  That “friends with benefits” stuff usually doesn’t work for an extended period of time.  You can’t be business partners for long without somebody wanting to buy into the company! Somebody usually ends up wanting more even if they don’t verbalize it.  But, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having different male friends that you like hanging out with.  Just take it one day at a time and ask the Lord to help you to actively wait.  Waiting is much easier said than done.  But, you can do it!  Stay busy and keep your request before the Lord. 

I've Been Married for Six Years

Question: I have been married for 6 years. Sometimes, it seems like I have no positive feelings toward my husband, and that I am just going through the motions. Is it normal to sometimes just "not want to be bothered" with him?

Answer: It depends on what you call normal.  Usually negative feelings stem from some type of hurt.  If this is the case, then I would say “yes” that is completely normal.  I have experienced these feelings before but again, they all stemmed from deep hurt.  Unresolved hurt can grow into bitterness and unresolved bitterness can grow into disgust and hate.  Although, the hurt I experienced was very deep and painful, I knew that if I was going to stay married I had to deal with it so I could move past it.   The idea of forgive and forget, in my opinion, is impossible.  Unless, psychologically your experience is so traumatic that you subconsciously tuck it away in order to remain in control mentally and not go off the deep end.  I believe it is more realistic to say forgive and remember with the absence of pain.  For instance, the hurt that I have experienced in my marriage, I remember quite well.  But, when I think about it, it doesn’t hurt as bad.  As time goes on, the pain I feel in thinking about it lessens.   I’ve said all this to say, yes I believe it is normal but, if this happens over an extended period of time I would suggest that you seek professional help to assist you in dealing with the feelings that you have; either marriage counseling or individual counseling.  When I had/have those feelings, I pray a lot.  I ask God to help me, because I don’t want to feel that way and know it is not healthy for me to feel that way towards my husband for any extended period of time.  Notice I keep saying “for an extended period of time.”  I say this because as women/wives, I believe we all have our moments.  But those moments should not grow into days, and weeks, and months.  There have been times that I had to “fake it” until I felt “my help comin’” (as my grandma would say).  I displayed on the outside how I wanted to feel on the inside.  It was difficult, but it always worked.  Remember, marriage takes work.  But, if you are willing to work together to stay together, it will be the hardest job you will ever love. 

Sit or Serve

Question:  How do you know if it’s time to leave a ministry or if you need to get off the pew and serve…the problem may not be “the church/ministry” it could be that you are the change agent.  But what happens when the member is hurt and has seen too much in ministry …

No matter the ministry I think it is important to be a doer and serve the ministry.  Given Christ was a servant.  I do believe that there are times when you have to be still and be fed.  Church work at times can be overwhelming so you have to know when your spirit needs to rest and be fed.  Sometimes we expect the Pastor to be able to see that we are hurting and tell us to sit down, but that is not always the case.  He/she is human and not all knowing like God.  So it is important to seek God and ask for direction as to whether you should be sitting or serving.  As far as leaving the ministry, it depends on what your reasoning is.  Have you outgrown the ministry?  Are you being fed?  Do you respect your leader?  Is there too much hurt there?  Are you there just because it is the church you grew up in?  There are a lot of questions that you need to ask yourself?  But this too, should be addressed in prayer.  The Lord will clearly show you what you are supposed to do.  If you have asked the Lord and are still unclear, stay still; stay where you are until he has given you clear direction. 

Discouraged on my Job!

Question:  I feel that I can not do anything right at this point on my job and it is so hard to keep positive.  I need my job. I need some positive inspiration to read and say on a daily basis.  Looking forward to hearing from you and getting advice.

Dear "I need positive inspiration";

First, I'm sure you do a lot of things right on your job even if it doesn't feel that way. Even if you don't hear it often or not at all, you are a person of value.  The only thing you can do is do the best you can with what you have been given.  I too have had some challenges on my job and felt unhappy; which led me to begin my Monday Morning Inspirations.  I needed encouragement, so I decided to be the catalyst to change my environment and started sending Monday Morning Inspirations to my friends at work who were also unhappy.  In encouraging them, I was able to encourage myself.  I also started posting scriptures and encouraging quotes around my desk.  Here are some that I have posted in my office:

•   I am a catalyst for change.
•   I am a thermostat, not a thermometer.
•   Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
•  Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.
•  When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.
•  If you're not making mistake, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes! 
• Psalm 120:1-2 I call on the LORD in my distress, and he answers me. Save me, LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.
• Psalm 121:1-4 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot slip— He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
  

  Try listening to soothing music if you can.  Maybe try to find ways to encourage some of your fellow co-workers.  And if all else fails, just think, someone would love to have a job that they hate.  I know things will get better and I look forward to hearing about it.  

Low Self-Esteem

Question:  I have low self-esteem.  What advice can you give me?

It is great that you have identified the problem. Now, what steps are you going to take to correct it?  No matter how much I tell you you're a beautiful person inside and out, or how caring and giving you are, how intelligent you are, or whatever other qualities you might have; that will not change how you feel about yourself.  Nobody else can change that!  Self-esteem can only be healed from the inside out, not the outside in.  Until you truly get connected with the One who created you and really tap into why He created you and what the scripture says He thinks of you; I'm afraid you will be stuck where you are.  There may be temporary fixes that come along and make you feel good but they will only be band-aid solutions, while the wound continues to fester beneath.  When you are running out of gas you don't go to the water fountain for a fill-up!  When running low on self-esteem, go to the source!  Self-esteem, much like trust, can only be rebuilt by the one who tore it down.......You!  You have to be willing to take the proper steps necessary to rebuild.  Even though God's word is filled with scriptures of who you are, until you make the conscious decision to accept it, you'll remain right where you are.  Lastly, I don't care if you have gained weight, your hair has fallen out, you have acne, or whatever you can find wrong with yourself.  Know that what you feel about yourself has nothing to do with what is going on on the outside.  If you have low self-esteem, you could lose weight or buy a wig and you would still find something else wrong.  So, get connected and tap into the Lord who created you and watch Him work wonders.  He is well aware of how you feel about yourself and I'm sure He has a lot to say to change your mind; you just have to believe it!